Chocolate Brownie

No, this is not a recipe for chocolate brownies. People who know me well would be sure of this :P.
This is a fictional story I penned on a rainy day long back and other than the rain it has no connection to reality whatsoever. Let me know how you find it. And thanks to all those people who read this and reviewed this before I finally put it up here! :)

The rain pours on my window. I observe a drop hitting on the glass which was clear just a few moments ago. The drop trickles down beautifully. And I just observe it, lost in time. Hoping you would be here. When my phone rings. It’s you! Hurray!

‘Hi Darling’

‘Darling, seriously? The Victorian era ended like centuries ago.’

‘Centuries? Seriously? Did no one teach you history?’

I know we are kind of undermining each other, but I love the leg-pulling. I smile. And I am sure you must be smiling too.

‘Yeah whatever.’

‘Come meet me.’  My heart lurches. How?

‘You are thousands of miles away. The only way I can see you is Skype.’

‘And Google hangouts. You really need to be more aware.’

‘Shut up.’

‘Frankly, I think there’s another way to meet me.’ I feel a bit pissed off now.

‘Okay, I don’t know all the technical gyan or whatever. I admit it. Happy?’

‘Yes, happy. But still there’s another way. I am like one mile from where you stay you see I preponed my…’

‘Oh my GOD!! And you didn’t tell me?? ‘ I try to sound angry but really, I can’t hide my happiness. You make me feel like I am on cloud nine, in the seventh heaven, and I just have one thing to say, that you coupled with rains is like my favorite thing. But I want to act hard to get, you know.

‘Aren’t you like happy or surprised how normal people are supposed to be?’

‘Aren’t you supposed to tell when you are coming like normal people do?’ I try to imitate your playful tone. But I really cannot.

‘Well, I am not normal, kind of extraordinary’

‘Whatever’ At this point I really want to squeal because I cannot contain my happiness any longer.

‘See you at CCD in 5? Bye’ Like just assuming I would come.

‘Okay, I admit I am kind of happy.’ I finally concede.

‘hmm….’

‘And like rains and you together is like chocolate brownies with lots of vanilla ice cream. Irresistible.’ And I make the mistake of comparing food to a boyfriend.

‘Wait, am I the brownie or the vanilla ice cream?’ You say, in the same vein as you ask football scores.

‘Let us meet and debate on that. Don’t want to get racist over the phone now’ and I just confirm like that that I would come.

‘Are you going to wear your blue windcheater?’

‘Does it matter what color?’ I know I just want to hang-up and meet you but it is kind of addictive. Talking random.

‘Yeah, that’s how I distinguish you. The blue person is mine.’ Mine. You sure know a way to a girl’s heart mister.

‘Hmm…. Let me just surprise you.’ I say instead.

‘I love surprises.’

‘I can see that you love giving them.’

‘And why again are we still on the phone? And not out of our buildings already?’

‘Because you want me to wear the blue windcheater. You know, my supreme identity thingy.’

‘Oh yeah.’ You say that and I know you are smiling. And we are silent again. For a minute. But I know it’s not like awkward silence. Cause I hear you breathing. And you hear me. I look again at the drop on the window. Its drops now. I didn’t realize when it got so drizzly. I can see my blue windcheater hung on the doorframe.

‘Let’s meet in 5.’ I say.

‘I know what you’ll be wearing.’

‘My supreme identity thingy.’

‘Love you.’

‘Love you darling.’ I say.

‘It’s not the Victorian era’

‘I know’ and I hang up. Blushing and as happy as I am sure the trees must be outside the window.

 

Choices and Jumps

Have you ever experienced ambivalence to almost every single decision you need to take? Decisions which are life-changing. And also the ones which look small on the outside, but which go on to form habits for a long time, thereby altering your course. Have you ever experienced a pull from both sides, and yet felt like you might just get time for one of the things, or worse, that you gotta choose? How do you choose when you want it all, when you feel that by rejecting something you are possibly letting go of a potentially awesome time? What if, after choosing you fear whether you were meant to choose that? And then you slightly envy those who know exactly what they want every single time. Those who seem to never ever regret their choices.

I have done this. I feel this every time I got to decide. It’s not the getting to choosing part I hate, I love to have choices. I love to be able to decide what I want next. It makes me who I am. And I feel lucky to have been able to make the choices I have made till now and can’t imagine a life without them. They may have been wrong, they may have been right, but not having to wonder something on the lines of ‘If only…’ makes you feel empowered. But with choice also comes this huge thing called ‘responsibility’. It’s huge because it weighs you down. It’s huge because you don’t have anyone to blame but yourself if it doesn’t turn out well. So, although I love the thought of having different options, I think I would be a fairly calmer person if I didn’t have them. If a lot of things were just decided for me. Like when I am about to take a big risk, a big bet, it wouldn’t be because I think I can do it, but because someone else thinks I can do it. And of course there are people who support your judgment sometimes but it’s not like they always vehemently force you to go one way or the other.

I remember an incident from when I was a child whenever I have to take a decision based on a big leap of faith today. I had just started learning to swim and everyday there would be this episode where I would cry for I wouldn’t want to go to the swimming pool. And I remember it being irrational. I was plain stubborn, and without any reason I just cried. And once there, magically, all my frowns and tears would go away, I would enjoy it. But that’s not the end of the story. My swimming instructor, a lady, who swam like a lithe fish in her natural environment, was a strict one. I would need to dive from the 1^st floor, sometimes the 2^nd, and once even the 4^th. Imagine seeing a pool of more than 20 feet deep blue water and having to jump without a float and then being asked to swim all the way to the opposite side. It could get terrifying sometimes. But I wasn’t like super terrified, but terrified enough to not do that as instantly. And there were moments when I stood there debating whether to jump or not and my instructor, she just came and literally pushed my back and off I would fall from the diving board. If it were a movie, you would think she is trying to kill me :P. And somehow, I always was able to swim to the other end, I don’t remember being just stuck there asking for help. I had that stamina, and I think deep down I knew it, but I allowed my fear and reluctance to get the better of me while I just stood there staring into the deep water. But she knew better, and she believed that the child ahead of her would not drown, she believed enough in me to just push me and let me swim.

 As we grow up I think the people who know our skills so well are lesser, and amongst them, the people who push us when we need it, decrease even further. So much, that at one point, we have to learn to push ourselves. We can’t always wait for someone to show belief. And although I feel all proud preaching this here, I know I have failed at it myself so many times. There are many such metaphorical pools I am still staring at from my metaphorical diving boards. And I know, that this time there might not be any push. But I’ll have to learn to believe that I will make it to the other end. However impossible it looks. That I do have that strength which will carry me there.

Often, many choices are just like about deciding whether to walk back from the diving board, or to take that life changing dive. And it’s risky, absolutely risky, to just stand there and never jump at all. J
And I am not sure I can take that risk. ;)