I look at that glint of an escaping tear
The tear shed for another and not for the self
I listen to the quiet, sweet words spoken out of profound emotion
An emotion that I am a stranger to
I sense the sweet unconditional care and beauty
In the most random places in bonds I don’t understand
When I meet a pure soul
I sense a depth of emotion, fondness and unconditional acceptance
And wallow in my guilt
As I look within and try to find something which
Tries to do justice to what is received
But all I find is nothing, but emptiness
All I feel is a distinct loss of something
That I don’t even remember I had
There are a few moments of truth in this vacuum though
Where with reason and logic everything makes sense
Where every lack of emotion can hold responsible
Someone, something or some time
When maybe I expected too much and got too little
Until slowly the little which was gotten was ignored as nothing at all
But the guilt doesn’t accept this
The conscience doesn’t accept logic
When it has deluded itself into fantasies
Where one must be perfect
Irrespective of these ‘someones’ and ‘somethings’ that happen to us
So I wallow again in my guilt
And I crawl back into my shell
And learn to fake just as we all do
The sentiments we think we should have had inside
Although all we find when we try to find that place
Is a hollow emptiness
The nothingness whose existence deprives us
Of what we wish to be
And whose blackness just makes me wish
To paint a million better versions of me
If only I knew what the colors look like
And where they come from
I would know how to.
