Choices and Jumps

Have you ever experienced ambivalence to almost every single decision you need to take? Decisions which are life-changing. And also the ones which look small on the outside, but which go on to form habits for a long time, thereby altering your course. Have you ever experienced a pull from both sides, and yet felt like you might just get time for one of the things, or worse, that you gotta choose? How do you choose when you want it all, when you feel that by rejecting something you are possibly letting go of a potentially awesome time? What if, after choosing you fear whether you were meant to choose that? And then you slightly envy those who know exactly what they want every single time. Those who seem to never ever regret their choices.

I have done this. I feel this every time I got to decide. It’s not the getting to choosing part I hate, I love to have choices. I love to be able to decide what I want next. It makes me who I am. And I feel lucky to have been able to make the choices I have made till now and can’t imagine a life without them. They may have been wrong, they may have been right, but not having to wonder something on the lines of ‘If only…’ makes you feel empowered. But with choice also comes this huge thing called ‘responsibility’. It’s huge because it weighs you down. It’s huge because you don’t have anyone to blame but yourself if it doesn’t turn out well. So, although I love the thought of having different options, I think I would be a fairly calmer person if I didn’t have them. If a lot of things were just decided for me. Like when I am about to take a big risk, a big bet, it wouldn’t be because I think I can do it, but because someone else thinks I can do it. And of course there are people who support your judgment sometimes but it’s not like they always vehemently force you to go one way or the other.

I remember an incident from when I was a child whenever I have to take a decision based on a big leap of faith today. I had just started learning to swim and everyday there would be this episode where I would cry for I wouldn’t want to go to the swimming pool. And I remember it being irrational. I was plain stubborn, and without any reason I just cried. And once there, magically, all my frowns and tears would go away, I would enjoy it. But that’s not the end of the story. My swimming instructor, a lady, who swam like a lithe fish in her natural environment, was a strict one. I would need to dive from the 1^st floor, sometimes the 2^nd, and once even the 4^th. Imagine seeing a pool of more than 20 feet deep blue water and having to jump without a float and then being asked to swim all the way to the opposite side. It could get terrifying sometimes. But I wasn’t like super terrified, but terrified enough to not do that as instantly. And there were moments when I stood there debating whether to jump or not and my instructor, she just came and literally pushed my back and off I would fall from the diving board. If it were a movie, you would think she is trying to kill me :P. And somehow, I always was able to swim to the other end, I don’t remember being just stuck there asking for help. I had that stamina, and I think deep down I knew it, but I allowed my fear and reluctance to get the better of me while I just stood there staring into the deep water. But she knew better, and she believed that the child ahead of her would not drown, she believed enough in me to just push me and let me swim.

 As we grow up I think the people who know our skills so well are lesser, and amongst them, the people who push us when we need it, decrease even further. So much, that at one point, we have to learn to push ourselves. We can’t always wait for someone to show belief. And although I feel all proud preaching this here, I know I have failed at it myself so many times. There are many such metaphorical pools I am still staring at from my metaphorical diving boards. And I know, that this time there might not be any push. But I’ll have to learn to believe that I will make it to the other end. However impossible it looks. That I do have that strength which will carry me there.

Often, many choices are just like about deciding whether to walk back from the diving board, or to take that life changing dive. And it’s risky, absolutely risky, to just stand there and never jump at all. J
And I am not sure I can take that risk. ;)